Learning the Stove Is No Longer Hot for Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
If you were the scapegoat in a narcissistic family, you learned something dangerous: that being your real, vital, expressive self was not safe. Not just uncomfortable, but risky.
The part of you that felt proud, strong, excited, or confident had to be hidden. When it showed up, you were likely met with contempt, mockery, or emotional abandonment instead of encouragement. Why? Because a narcissistic parent cannot tolerate feeling inferior to their child. If the child shines, it exposes the parent’s fragile sense of worth—and they retaliate.
So you adapted. You stopped reaching for the parts of you that felt strong or joyful. It was as if your real self was a pot of water on a stove. You touched the handle once, got burned, and learned to keep your hands at your sides. Over time, it seemed like that handle would always be hot.
Today, I want to help you see that the stove is no longer hot. That your real self is no longer dangerous to show. And that recovering your life starts by discovering what is true now—not what was true in your past.
Why the Handle Felt So Hot in the First Place
When raised by a narcissistic parent, your emotional reality is usually denied or twisted. Their version of events—where you are always to blame—becomes the only acceptable one.
Expressing joy? You were told to tone it down.
Asking for comfort? You were told to stop being dramatic.
Excelling at something? You were ignored or mocked.
The message was clear: being fully yourself gets you punished. So you pulled back. You stopped showing up as yourself.
And you formed two core beliefs:
I deserve less than others.
There’s something wrong with me.
These beliefs, painful as they are, helped preserve the relationship with your parent. Believing you were inferior was more bearable than facing the truth: that the person you loved most couldn’t love you back.
What Happens in Adulthood
You may have left your childhood home years ago, but those beliefs often stay with you:
"Showing too much of myself will lead to rejection."
"Being confident will make others resent me."
"Letting someone get close will just lead to pain."
So you stay quiet. You keep your head down. You hold back in relationships, at work, in moments that call for pride or self-assertion.
It still feels like the stove is hot.
How to Find Out the Stove Is No Longer Hot
Recovery doesn’t come from simply thinking differently. It comes from experiencing new outcomes in close relationships.
That’s where my 3 Pillars of Recovery can help:
Pillar #1: Make sense of what happened. Understand how the abuse shaped your beliefs and behaviors—and that none of it was your fault.
Pillar #2: Gain distance from narcissistic abusers and closeness to safe people. You can only discover your real self in relationships that don’t punish you for having one.
Pillar #3: Live in defiance of the narcissist’s rules. This means acting in ways that affirm your worth, desires, and truths—even when it feels unfamiliar or risky.
Recovery means discovering, over and over, that when you show up as your full self in a safe relationship, nothing bad happens. And that discovery needs to be repeated until your nervous system begins to believe it.
Case Example: Mark’s Story
Mark, a fictionalized client, grew up with a narcissistic mother who was relentlessly critical. He stopped expecting recognition, warmth, or encouragement. By adulthood, Mark was outwardly successful but inwardly empty. Praise didn’t land. Confidence felt hollow. And he was stuck in a loop of trying to earn a sense of worth he could never quite reach.
In therapy, Mark initially deflected questions about his goals. He was used to being told what to do, not asked what he wanted. But over time, he began to open up. His therapist offered a different kind of relationship—one where Mark’s feelings were valid, his experiences mattered, and nothing about him needed to be hidden.
Eventually, Mark confronted the belief that he wasn’t smart. Despite constant validation at work, he could never internalize that he was competent. In therapy, he tested what it was like to say aloud, "I want to believe I’m smart." It felt fake at first. But it didn’t stay that way.
Each session was like reaching toward the stove handle. And every time he wasn’t burned, his nervous system recalibrated.
How to Start Testing the Handle Yourself
You can start this process in your own life, one moment at a time.
Identify a "Handle Moment" Where do you hold back in close relationships? What parts of yourself feel unsafe to show?
Notice the Fear What do you think will happen if you speak up, show pride, or ask for more?
Choose a Safe Person Pick someone who has shown warmth, care, or consistency. Don’t try this with someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
Try a Small Experiment Share a vulnerable truth. Show pride. Ask for a need to be met. Speak up instead of staying silent.
Pay Attention to the Outcome Did the feared reaction happen? Or did the person stay close, respond with care, or at least not harm you?
Repeat Over time, these moments teach you something radical: that being yourself now is no longer dangerous.
Want Support Doing This? Join My Live Group Course
I will be facilitating leading an 8-week live online course for scapegoat survivors of narcissistic abuse. We’ll go deep into how to discover that the stove is no longer hot—in your nervous system, in your relationships, and in your life.
You’ll get original teaching, small-group support, and the kind of emotional connection that helps make real change possible.
This group isn’t about telling you to "be yourself." It’s about creating a space where you can experience that being yourself is finally safe.
Click here to learn more and get notified when enrollment opens.