Into early adulthood, I operated under the belief system that my job as my parents’ daughter was not to upset them.
I was reading recently, as part of the safe-environment training I take quarterly as someone volunteering among young children at a church, that most children who are abused emotionally, verbally, and/or psychologically don’t admit this to another person, even their spouse, until the average age of 52. It’s not because they’re making it up or lying, it’s because it takes that long to realize for oneself that this now-adult formerly abused child doesn’t bear the responsibility for what happened. And to overcome the guilt one still feels when tempted to be truthful about one’s parents.
But when the people who were supposed to teach you to trust in others and in life in fact taught you the opposite, that’s not easy to overcome.
I ended a relationship with a sibling in November due to near constant gaslighting and triangulation. We were close but I couldn't allow the abuse to continue. I was basically enabling her lies and the fantasies she lived in. Unfortunately she ended her life in May (I believe polypharma was the culprit). Her enabling partner had no problem placing the blame on me, though I wasn't involved in their lives for 6mos. Talk about scapegoating! All I know is enabling relationships from my familial experiences. I don't think I would know how to recognize a "healthy" one. Enabling also allows for sexual abuse... but no one seems to want to talk about that nasty part of growing up in abusive situations.
Into early adulthood, I operated under the belief system that my job as my parents’ daughter was not to upset them.
I was reading recently, as part of the safe-environment training I take quarterly as someone volunteering among young children at a church, that most children who are abused emotionally, verbally, and/or psychologically don’t admit this to another person, even their spouse, until the average age of 52. It’s not because they’re making it up or lying, it’s because it takes that long to realize for oneself that this now-adult formerly abused child doesn’t bear the responsibility for what happened. And to overcome the guilt one still feels when tempted to be truthful about one’s parents.
But when the people who were supposed to teach you to trust in others and in life in fact taught you the opposite, that’s not easy to overcome.
I didn't admit it to myself until I was almost 40. It was really difficult to use the word abuse.
Me too
I still struggle with that
Thank you for sharing this.
It makes total sense, but is so heartbreaking .
Thank you Jay for adressing this.
And not only the parent. My father was so absent that we had a whole familydynamic of the older siblings surviving by enabling my mother.
You're writing explaines why i still feel so hurt by everyone looking the other way , enabling or /and ridiculing me .
I ended a relationship with a sibling in November due to near constant gaslighting and triangulation. We were close but I couldn't allow the abuse to continue. I was basically enabling her lies and the fantasies she lived in. Unfortunately she ended her life in May (I believe polypharma was the culprit). Her enabling partner had no problem placing the blame on me, though I wasn't involved in their lives for 6mos. Talk about scapegoating! All I know is enabling relationships from my familial experiences. I don't think I would know how to recognize a "healthy" one. Enabling also allows for sexual abuse... but no one seems to want to talk about that nasty part of growing up in abusive situations.
I'm sorry Kat
That must be really hard.
Please don't believe it is your fault.
Yes. It is. Thank you for your kindness.